Christmas A-New

Merry, merry everyone.

I have to say, I’m feeling particularly joyous this year. It  is the first Christmas in 5 yrs that I’ve had a reason to buy presents and the first one in nearly 10 I’ve truly enjoyed. For those of you who don’t know, my father died the day after Christmas in 2000. We didn’t have a chance to open presents or celebrate that year, though Christmas Eve we were blessed to share, talk and enjoy friends for one last time together. While I still had a holiday to celebrate with my grandmother, they were never the same and she finally passed in ‘05, a week before Christmas. Since then, I’ve found ways to avoid the holidays for the most part.

It may seem like a depressing way to go, but for me, it’s the easiest thing I could think to do. I’ve had plenty of invites to spend time with distant family and other friends, but as sentimental as I am, I wanted a holiday that was meant for being together with the ones you truly enjoy. I’ve been pretty lucky in that sense, even though I haven’t really “celebrated,” I’ve create some lovely memories over the last few years. In 2005, I cooked a wonderful little venison loin for Christmas Eve for myself and a dear friend. in 2006, I went to Alaska for 15 days and was able to spread a few of my Dad’s ashes at the artic Circle with new friends from up north. In 2007, I think I cooked another Christmas Eve meal for a friend and spent Christmas Day at the movies. Last year I had friends over for the not-quite-annual HO (holiday orphan) Dinner and prepared a great traditional Spanish meal for the Eve and had an out of town guest over for Xmas night and spent it watching several of my favorite musicians in a local blues bar.

This year, well, this year, I have presents under a tree, a lovely gentleman to share the spirit with and a return of holiday spirit. I’ve enjoyed the movies, the music, the season in a way I have longed to do for some time. Whether this relationship will last, or I have plans again next year, it’s just nice to know I can enjoy the season again without only the sad memories to fill my days.

I leave you with a smile on my face and a song in my heart – may each of you enjoy the same this season and in the coming year.

 

Being an Adult Orphan

I’ve been thinking a lot the last couple of days about my last post and I really feel I must clarify a couple of things. Being an adult orphan (and yes, it sounds strange, but lots of people seemingly feel the same way as I’ve discovered through various google searches) creates some strange notions and feelings. The line by Sandra Bullock of “I forgot” just resonated with this sentiment so well. But upon reflection, the post may make it sound as if I am all alone, and that’s just not so.

I have a few good friends, very good ones indeed. Some are my age, some are those who were friends with my father/parents and have reached out to me, some come into one’s life quickly and disappear just as fast. I have had friends who have believed in me enough to financially invest in my new business venture. I have friends who will go out and have a drink when I just need to blow off some steam. I have a roommate who surprises me from time to time with a clean house – knowing that I am stressing about how I can possibly get everything done. I am truly grateful for the friends I do have.

But, that doesn’t change the lack of family feeling. I’ve been on my own now for almost 9 yrs – and by that I mean without parents or close, caring relatives. I’ve traveled a great deal in my life and moved around a lot on my own. And it was easy to do when I knew that I always had family back home thinking about me and providing a safety net if I needed one. Fortunately, I rarely did, but it doesn’t change the fact that at least I knew it was there. Now, I don’t have a safety net. My friends are getting married. The dynamics are changing and I don’t always know where I fit. I’m thrilled for them, really, I am. But it does place me back into a wanderlust mode – both imaginary and real.

I hear all the time how strong and independent I am. “Of course I am,” I think. I haven’t had much choice in the matter. This also proves to be a challenge when dating. I’m perfectly fine being feminine and vulnerable, but honestly, I forget how, I don’t get to do it often enough. It doesn’t help I was mostly raised by men. I have also forgotten how to be a part of something since I’ve had only myself to depend on for some time. Ot goes without saying that this is also a challenge when dating.

So, for now, I guess I’m just walking along, following a path that seems right for the time being. But my mind is wandering. And the dreams are still working their way into becoming a reality.

 

A-ha moments

I feel like I’ve had a few of them lately, but none of them are completely clear. Much like that last sentence. Forgive me as I ramble.

After a week of lots of great news and business developments, littered with lots of big setbacks, I decided to crawl into bed on Sunday and stay there most of the day, watching a couple of movies. One I expected to make me cry – and hoped it would – “Into the Wild” and the other, “Feast of Love” to hopefully have a few laughs. I found both made me a bit of a blithering idiot. And in times like this, I find a movie that makes me cry to be very therapeutic. Helps me cleanse the system if you will.

I know I relate to movies in weird ways. Most of my close friends could tell you this. “The Matador,” while quite funny, did make me cry at one point. To which my friend John looked at me and in total disbelief said, “Are you crying??” I was. It’s when Pierce Brosnan’s character suddenly realizes he has no one to spend his birthday with; how alone he had become. I couldn’t help but relate to that moment. And another strange response, “The Exorcist” didn’t scare me, it made me sad as well. I didn’t cry, but I was really depressed after watching it. I couldn’t imagine such futility, desperation and helplessness by all people involved. “Seven Pounds” and “Married People” both pissed me off for similar but different reasons. Essentially, I hate the idea of people making decisions for others in a way that somehow makes them look self-less, when really it’s incredibly selfish.

So, this weekend, Father’s Day weekend, the obvious reason for my sadness was missing my Dad. But it was more than that this year. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was more than him just not being here. Seemingly not related, but was… another “a-ha” was that I really feel I need to be living somewhere else, or that my life isn’t quite where I want it yet. It took a little line in “The Proposal” for me to put it all together.
Sandra Bullock’s character freaks out and when Ryan Reynold’s character manages to get an answer out of her, she says, very simply, “I forgot.” He looks confused. She’s angry, sad, etc. She finishes, “I forgot what it’s like to have a family.” And then it hit me.

I can’t remember the last time I was hugged just for walking in the door. I can’t remember a “safe” feeling. I can’t remember feeling like a part of something. You might be wondering what this has to do with not feeling like I’m living in the right place and rightfully so. But I think it’s because I continually imagine myself living in a small, seaside town. A place where I am a part of something. Where the town is like a family. Where I am a part of that family. When I have traveled in the past, more in my youth, that’s when I felt most at home, in a small town, where the residents wrapped their arms around me and made me feel as if I had always belonged there.

I just want that feeling again. I want to remember what it’s like to be a part of a family again. Before I forget for good. That may sound terribly sad, but in a weird way, I’m actually more hopeful than anything else.

 

Louisville’s Biggest Loser Contest

*****RULES AND SIGN-UP SHEET ARE AT BOTTOM OF POST*****

Spring 2009 LOUISVILLE BIGGEST LOSER CONTEST
Brought to you by FIFTH AVENUE SPA & SALON….and…..FITNESS 19 Gym

Launch party Sunday April 19^th 4:45pm
Fitness 19 Gym
(502) 244-0919
109 Blankenbaker Pkwy
Louisville, KY 40223

Contest Coordinator, Lucy Waddell Beach, cell 423-605-2251, email LouisvilleBiggestLoser@yahoo.com

• $50 buy-in per participant
• Official weigh-in/measurements will take place at Fitness 19 gym by Lucy Waddell Beach before the launch party April 19^th. Email or call her directly to make arrangements
• Contest lasts for 12 weeks
• At the end of the contest the winner, 2^nd and 3^rd place will receive a cash prize
• An Achievement Award will be given to the person who accumulated the most Points who is not a 1^st, 2^nd, or 3^rd place winner
• Each participant will be placed on a team
• Each team will have a Fitness 19 exercise & nutrition Trainer as their coach
• Each team will have a Fifth Avenue Spa & Salon body makeover Consultant

Contestants compete in 3 ways:

1. As an individual:

Each contestant competes to achieve the most Percentage Weight Lost. This is the official measurement for Louisville’s BIGGEST LOSER. Contestants will compete for this award both weekly as well as overall.

2. As a team:

Each team will compete against the others every week to win most percentage weight lost.

3. Point System:

Each participant accumulates points for completing certain activities and will be awarded weekly as well as overall. The point system is reserved to award those who have worked hard but may not have lost the measured weight.

Each Sunday 4:45pm at Fitness 19 we’ll gather for our weekly weigh in to announce the weight loss winner, weight loss team, and point system winner. From time to time, our Sunday gatherings will also reveal incentive “SURPRISES” donated by our sponsors. Please see the attached BIGGEST LOSER RULES for more detailed information.

 

Master Cleanse – Day 6

Boy, did I do it wrong today. I got up, had my salt water flush, and then it was nearly 5 hrs before I could manage to get even my first lemonade (limeade today) of the day. I feel weak, light headed and I know I haven’t done myself any favors. I even have a bit of a headache. However, it has taught me tht while people may think you’re not getting enough nutrition and energy from the juice, you absolutely are. Today is proof of that. I will try and catch up on my juice for the day before bed, but it’s already 7 pm and we’ll just have to see.

I’ve also decided that I’m not sure I can go the whole 20, but I have decided to go through the end of the month, which is 15. That gives me time to integrate properly back into eating before the amazing Derby parties and seasonal activities of Spring start around here. Day 7 is around the corner and the one pre-confessed cheat of the fast… well, it’s here.

 

Master Cleanse – Day 5

I made it through yesterday without any real cravings for chewing. It was still a bit of a tough day, but I was able to focus so much on my business that I didn’t really have time for anything else. I can also say I’ve been a little bad as far as taking my baths or getting to the sauna. It’s tough doing this, running a business and taking care of a friend who is in the hospital. I’ve had to take a couple days off from going to the hospital, just to focus on some of my own things. It’s tough to realize that, but all must be sure to take care of ourselves and make it a priority.

 

Master Cleanse – Day 4

Ok, so the first three days are supposed to be the hardest. I’m finding today to be the most diffcult so far. The day isn’t over yet, and I’m not really hungry, but I just want to taste something other than lemonade or mint tea/water. And I want to chew something. I miss the social aspect of eating. I miss the habit of eating. I appreciate eating good food and good for me food even more. Does anyone else feel this way? Most would think it would be the hunger that would send one over the edge, but for me, it’s really just the feel of eating… I hope that makes sense to someone.

On another note, people keep expressing their concern for me on my facebook profile, where I’ve been keeping status updates. All are supportive for the most part, but there’s a concern for nutrition, vitamins and caloric intake. So I did a little more research and discovered that in drinking 6-12 glasses a day you get roughly 660-1320 calories a day on the fast. On the high end, that’s about the same as some lo-cal diets, which usually leave one feeling more deprived than this has. Plus, there’s the high manganese, zinc, Vitamin A and C that one gets – all good,especially for the immune system. Of course, the salt water flush and laxative tea have their own benefits as well over just being about a replacement for fiber, the one thing truly lacking from the cleanse.

I’m sure I can make it to Day 10. Day 20, not so sure yet.

 

Master Cleanse – Days 2 & 3, fasting’s toughest days…

…Or so they say. I’m at the end of day 3 of my cleansing and so far, so good. I have to admit, I’m surprised it’s been as easy as it’s been. Which, don’t get me wrong, doesn’t mean it’s been easy, just not as difficult as I had imagined. I’m also surprised at the amount of support I’ve been getting. And according to most, the first three days are the hardest… we shall see.

The results/details to date:

• I’ve lost three pounds
• I haven’t experienced the “evacuation” process most talk about. I think I was doing alright in that department beforehand
• I’m not really hungry. I was hungry the first night before going to bed, and couldn’t sleep with the slight headache and hunger pains I had, but I still had energy the next day and hopped out of bed with no hunger at all.
• Day 2: I had temptation at Euchre as that’s where I always have a bag of popcorn and a cocktail. It was tough to sit and smell that deliciousness, but I did it with little suffering. Body-wise nothing of note.
• Day 3: I am finally getting that slightly metallic taste in my mouth. I drank some water infused with a couple of drops of Young Living Peppermint essential oil in the place of mint tea to help my breath and system. I’m not hungry, slight pangs, but nothing striking. Energy is good. A bit more mucus than the day before; hopefully this is part of the process and not just standard allergies with this Spring Ohio Valley crud.

I’ve been intrigued by the questions people are asking. I’m used to people sneering or not taking a fast seriously, but it seems people are curious and supportive more than anything this time around. People are asking if I am fasting for health, physical or spiritual reasons. I’ve responded by saying I think they’re all tied together. I started this fast for a couple of reasons.

I’ve been going through a bit of an evolution over the last couple of years. A culmination of things past as well as the new roads that lie ahead. Most of the emotional upheaval is actually good, but there’re still things from the past that need freeing to allow the good to settle. My work with Jenny started the healing and re-patterning process last summer. We’ve had three or four sessions now and each one is like years of therapy in two hours. After one of our last sessions, which involved some healing of my heart chakra, I noticed a great deal of physical purging my body seemed to be doing on its own. I called Jenny and asked her if this would be related to the emotional changes that were taking place (more to confirm my suspicions than anything else) which led us to another session and her recommendation of doing the Master Cleanse. So here I am, day 3.

That’s the spiritual/emotional component and on the physical side, it’s about my weight and metabolism. Years ago I was prescribed a ridiculously high dose of Prednisone (40mg daily) for a misdiagnosis of Lupus. I was on that for a year and in that time I went from 135 lbs to 175 back to 125 inside a 14 mo period – and my body has never been the same. I’ve tried other fasts, diets, healthy eating, working out with a trainer, on my own… you name it. And yet, I continually gain weight. I even gained weight on most fasts I’ve tried in the past. So, this is now a chance to reset my body. Let it heal itself and start from scratch. I’m not doing this to lose weight, but I’m certainly hoping for a chance to regain the health and activity level I have missed in the last few years. I’ll keep you posted, promise. Only 17 more days to go…

 

Master Cleanse – Day One

So, I’ve started. Day One of the Master Cleanse. My friend Jennifer, who works with me, via phone, on Resonance Repatterning, has suggested I do this cleanse for 20 days. Try as I might, I’m not sure I can do it for that long honestly. I already know I’ll need to break it on Monday a small bit for one of my events (the hell of running a Dining Club and trying to do a fast/cleanse). But I’m giving it my best and figured I’d share my experience here.

The benefits of doing this particular cleanse are not focused on losing weight as much as it is re-setting the digestive system and flushing toxins. Losing weight is usually an added benefit for those trying to lose weight, but for those trying to put weight on, it also manifests in that way as well. You are not supposed to take any supplements or medications while detoxing, though one should always check with a doctor before embarking on the cleanse. I’m still using my essential oils for my biorhythms (which my friend Jenny is also a wonder at helping), but other than that, oral supplements are sitting on the shelf for the duration of the fast.

I have found that most sites are rather gimmicky when trying to google any information on my own, but this site has been the best and most informational by far, with no ulterior motive. Also, I have found very little as far as real life reviews/commentary. So, for what it’s worth, here’s my account…

Day one. Well, it didn’t seem very hard – at first. To be fair, I haven’t had the full amount of lemonade I’m supposed to have, or could have. So, I’m a bit hungry as I get ready to lay down for the night. The taste is good. The tea, Swiss Kriss, is good. The salt water flush is tough, but doable. I have a bit of a headache, which is to be expected. I haven’t had quite the “living in the bathroom” that many claim, but my diet was pretty good going into this. Supposedly, if you can get through the first three days, the next bit should be easier as the body adjusts. I’ll let you know.

 

Lessons from my Childhood

As I sit here tonight watching my DVR’d episode of ER ‘The Family Man,’ I am reminded of the confusion and hurt surrounding my mother’s death and how it not only affected me as a child, but also as an adult. In this episode, a mother and daughter are in a car crash and as her mother’s heart starts to fail. Initially, they’re letting her be a part of all that is happening and explaining it step by step. But eventually, as the situation worsens, the daughter is taken, screaming, from the emergency room.

I know they believe they are doing right by the daughter. It seems the obvious choice to shield her from what most would consider scarring memories. We are not taught how to act in these situations. They remove her as an act of love and protection. I wish I hadn’t been protected. I couldn’t have voiced that opinion at 10, but I can voice it now.

My mother had MS (multiple sclerosis). She was 80% diagnosed when I was seven and 100% diagnosed six months before she died. We did not have a good relationship. That’s another story. When she finally went into rehab, it was only a couple weeks after my 11th birthday. She went downhill rapidly. Very rapidly. She spent two weeks in the rehab center – to the day. And she died in a nursing home two weeks later – to the day. Within a couple of days in rehab, she gave up. She went from talking and walking – not well, but she could still be recognized as a ‘whole’ person – to complete vegetative in less than two weeks time.

Once my mother was moved into the nursing home,  my father fianlly set me down and said my mother would most likely die before summer was over. This was actually close to after the two weeks she was in there and the last day of 5th grade for me. We left on a short vacation the next day – and she died. They (my dad and grandmother) decided that it would be better for me to be out of town when she passed. They gave me one whole day to reconcile that she wouldn’t make it through the summer – I hadn’t quite done that when she passed.

I may tell the story of my mother’s passing another time, but for today, I can only say that they thought they were protecting me from her death. I needed to see her. I should have seen her dead. It took me years of dreaming that she would come back to life only to die all over again – usually in a heroic act. These dreams didn’t stop until high school.

I know they thought they were making the best decision. I don’t begrudge them that. However, I think we sell our children short. Kids can handle a lot more than most would give them credit. Honesty is a blessing, even when it hurts. Because then, at least they (we) know). If you think this doesn’t affect us into our adulthood, you’d be wrong.